commitment

I am afraid of commitment. Today at the dentist, I couldn't even commit to an answer as to whether my tooth hurt when he blew cold air on it and poked it with his sharp pick thing.

"uhhhhhh... it feels different..." i replied

"Different - good, or different - bad?" he re-inquired

"uhhhhhhhhh... I don't really know..." i replied

Everything I write ends in an ellipsis, and I am starting to realize that my speech does the same thing. I can't define anything. I feel like the best way for me to express myself would be in a multi-page report on all my possible viewpoints and opinions.

When I was much younger I was surprised to be asked my opinion on a restaurant's fare by my parents.

"Is it good?" they had asked

"Well... I ... only ate there a couple times..." i mumbled from the back seat of our aerostar

"Well, when you ate there, was it good?" they asked again

"Uh... I don't know what you guys like... but, they have a lot of different kinds of food..." i tried to avert the real question

"Well, is any of it good?" frustration & voice volume growing

"Uh... I liked what I had... well, one time I did, but..."

Oh my god! I don't know why I can't answer any question directly, I guess it's because I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to say something and have it proved totally unsubstantiated... I could never go into politics (or maybe I could: I don't know if the food was good mom, what is your definition of good?).

As I worked in a construction office while on summer break in high school, my good friend, the president of the company, delivered me to a bunch of different professionals at the office. An accountant, a marketing executive, construction project managers from various colleges, engineers... He said "Here, Marc, talk to these people and maybe then you'll have an opinion of your own about where to go to college and what to major in." (Italics restated to omit sexist generalizations and expletives)

I related this story to my Dad and he basically said my friend was right on, I needed to be pushed to make a decision. A commitment.

I find that this "problem" is not fading as my youth does. I thought, as a kid, that there would be some magic age when I would stop biting my fingernails for recreation. I still do it, and I think if I stopped it would be like losing a friend... or maybe worse. (just kidding, friends) (no I'm not, fingernails). But I am not getting better at making decisions. I hate to make decisions that affect other people. If it's affecting me, whatever... I'll do what I feel like doing when the time comes. But making decisions that will affect others, I have to make a decision now, and I have to follow through on it. And they have to like the decision and if they don't, will they still like me?

So as people ask me, "How are the roads tonight, is it icy like on the news?" I continue to mutter an ambiguous response that leaves them regretting their decision to ask me a question.

I wish I could change the way I make decisions... then again, I like the way I make decisions.

Maybe other people should just lay off me or change their ways.

You know what I really don't like? olives and stupidity.